Rhubarb Cream Cheese Hand Pies

Remember that book called How to Win Friends and Influence People? There should have been only one page in that book and it should have been a picture of a hand pie. Hand pies hold the answers to so many of life's little dilemmas. For example, how does one maintain one's dignity when one is caught by one's roommate shaving off a wee bit of pie slice in the middle of the morning? What if one's roommate gives himself a larger slice of pie than you and rather than speak out against this gross injustice one must accept one's cruel fate? The answer, dear friends, to all these problems is the hand pie; a perfect medley of fruit filling and dough, appropriate for any occasion.

It's become extremely hard for me not to swoop up a pound of rhubarb every time I'm at the grocery store. There's simply so much you can do with it! Pair it with other fruits, make a cake, make individual tarts, make a pie, make a compote and spoon it over stuff. I like that it's tart, too, there's nothing too interesting to me about fruits that are cloyingly sweet. And if you pair a cooked-down rhubarb compote with a lemony dollop of cream cheese filling and seal it up inside a flaky, buttery crust and...well, let's just say that these little beauties didn't last very long at my house.

I've adapted Deb's recipe slightly; changing the white sugar to brown (I think the flavor compliments the rhubarb), making the pies slightly bigger and not worrying about putting too much filling inside--I like a lot of fruit to crust, and heck, if they spill slightly, we'll call 'em rustic and no one's the wiser. These were fantastic for dessert, for snacking or (in Peter's case) for breakfast. Try throwing some strawberries into the mix, if that's your bent. Just put them out on the counter and watch them disappear.

Rhubarb Cream Cheese Hand Pies (Adapted slightly from Smitten Kitchen)
Makes 16-18

Crust
3 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon fresh orange zest (optional)
1 1/2 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons table salt
1 1/2 cups unsalted butter, very cold and cut into small cubes
3/4 to 1 cup buttermilk (or, make your own buttermilk substitute)

Rhubarb Filling:
1 pound rhubarb stalks, trimmed and cut into 1/2-inch segments
1/2 cup brown sugar

Cream cheese filling:
4 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon lemon zest
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 large egg yolk

To assemble:
1 large egg
1 tablespoon water
Coarse sugar

Make pie dough: Whisk together flour, zest, sugar and salt in the bottom of a large, wide-ish bowl. Using a pastry blender, two forks, or your fingertips, work the butter into the flour until the biggest pieces of butter are the size of tiny peas. (You’ll want to chop your butter into small bits first). Gently stir in 3/4 cup buttermilk with a rubber spatula, mixing it until a craggy mass forms. Get your hands in the bowl and knead it just two or three times to form a ball. If it doesn’t come together, add remaining 1/4 cup buttermilk, 1 tablespoon at a time, until it does, then gently knead again. Divide dough in half. Wrap each half in plastic wrap and flatten a bit, like a disc. Chill in fridge for at least an hour or up to two days or slip plastic-wrapped dough into a freezer bag and freeze for up to 1 to 2 months. To defrost, leave in fridge for 1 day.

Make rhubarb filling: Place rhubarb and brown sugar in a small-to-medium saucepan with sugar and stir to combine. Cover and cook at medium-low heat for 15 minutes, no need to stir. Increase the heat to medium, remove the lid and cook for another 10 to 15 minutes, until rhubarb is broken down and ideally thick enough that if you run a spoon across the bottom of the pot, you can see a trench quickly form and disappear. (No need to be overly fussy about this level of thickness, as a little wetter won’t harm your pies.) Spread mixture on a large plate in the fridge or freezer to cool quickly, then scrape into a bowl. Keep cold until needed; it will be thicker and easier to “scoop” onto the pie bases.

Make cream cheese filling: Whisk cream cheese, sugar, zest, juice and yolk together in a small bowl until smooth. Keep cold until needed as well.

Assemble pies: Heat oven to 400 degrees. Line two to three baking sheets with parchment paper. Beat your remaining egg and 1 tablespoon water and keep aside with a pastry brush.

Flour the heck out of your counter, unwrap the first half of your dough and start rolling your dough by pressing down lightly with the pin and moving it from the center out. Roll it a few times in one direction, lift it up and rotate it a quarter-turn. Continue to do, roll a couple times, lifting the dough and rotating it until the dough is just shy of 1/8-inch thick. Cut dough into 3x4 inch rectangles.

Essential Pie Tip: No mushy pie dough! If your dough becomes soft (it’s a hot day or warm kitchen) now or at any point in the assembly process, slide the dough squares onto a prepared baking sheet and freeze them for a couple minutes until they’re semi-firm again. I had to do this a lot and it made working with everything much easier.

Brush half the squares very, very lightly with the egg wash; these will be your bases. Cut a small vent in the other half of the squares; these will be your lids. In the center of each egg washed square, put a small dollop (a measured teaspoon) of cream cheese, then rhubarb filling on top. If the filling starts oozing out of place, just scoop it back up with a spoon right before you top it with the other piece of crust. If things are really oozy, just throw it in the freezer for a hot minute to show it who's boss. Top each filled base with a vented square. Press outer edge of top and bottom all around to seal with a fork--make sure you press hard, so it seals tight! Transfer pies to a baking sheet, spacing 1-inch apart. Brush the tops with egg wash and sprinkle generously with coarse sugar. Repeat with remaining dough, including second half from fridge, and fillings.

Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, until puffed and golden, and even more brown at edges. Transfer to cooling racks and cool to room temperature before serving. Enjoy!